⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆

the plaster cast of life

I recently feel as if a layer of plaster, like a sturdier cocoon, has been forming around me, still wet.

That probably happens when we become complacent with a lot of things in our lives and get locked in. The job, the living situation, the city, the hobbies, the friends, the food. It becomes so normal, we can't see ourselves as something else anymore.

We do something for so long, we stop thinking we can handle other stuff well. At least that's the case for me. It's easy to think "Oh, I wouldn't be able to handle these types of jobs" or "Oh, I should be grateful for that I've got (true), I should stay in this city, in this industry, in this apartment because what if I don't find anything better? What if the next thing is worse?" I get used to my job's tasks, how demanding it is, its policies. I start to think of myself as someone who needs that all that.

Staying in a lot, suddenly going out seems weird, exhausting, not worth it. When other circumstances force me back out, I bounce back pretty easily and go out more often, get used to it, appreciate it. I fall into the same food routines at times, never wanting to eat other food again - and then I have to, and find a new favorite food.

Surrounded by the same people all the time, it's hard to let people in who don't seem like more of the same, who aren't super similar. It's easy to think I won't get along with anyone else anyway.

If I lifted my arms up, the drying plaster would get broken. But what will make me lift my arms up?

It's hard to force that. It feels better when it happens naturally, and externally somewhat. Of course you can become dissatisfied with life, sign up online for a pottery class, and go there with huge expectations - that it will be somehow life transforming, turning you into a huge pottery person, or you will meet an important person there. In some aspects, that might be great - taking control of it, starting with little steps. But one pottery class, or 10 sessions, won't change much. It is something you paid for to show up to, because you are a little interested and don't want to have wasted your money. The lasting impact will likely be low.

I think what we tend to need and look for in these times instead is feeling naturally driven, fascinated, obsessed with something. It feels like that new thing adopts you, instead of you adopting it. Feeling as if you must have been thirsty for that your whole life. It has to feel like the missing piece. It has to contribute to your new sense of self, it has to give you passion and a sense of purpose. It has to be one of those things you retroactively look back on and realize it marked the end and beginning of a new chapter, a new you, in your life. Not just temporarily. And often enough, you don't even realize until some time has passed and you don't recognize yourself anymore (positively). You are so engaged, voluntarily so, that you don't even notice how it has shifted your life's direction. And it felt so natural and easy-going throughout.

I think it's something that finds you. You can make it more likely to show up by being more approachable, more available. Walking outside, being in cafés, looking up, reading signs, buying new things at the supermarket, reading pinboards, going to flea markets, going to another city, subscribing to the local events feed. Those can inspire a thought, who inspire other thoughts, or they can make connections, which will then lead to it. But by themselves they don't do it.

Sometimes we are pushed into it negatively. Being fired, the house burning down, a breakup, moving for a new job, changing our diet because of allergies or new knowledge, starting to exercise because the doctor said so. I think that's okay too.

What's not helping is pretending that the new couch will have the same effect. Or the new desk setup, and the new ultrawide screen. The new clothes, the new shoes. The social media "rebrand" with a new username, a new color scheme and a ton of old stuff deleted. I think these are ways that seem very promising and like a shortcut to reaching it, but they aren't. Sadly.

I am not super happy about who I am or what my life is right now, even though objectively everything is fine. I just feel like wanting to do the opposite of what I usually do, and being very different as to not get locked in by my weaknesses and acquired needs, or limiting thought patterns. But I am still working out how. Doing the same and staying in creates a lack of trust with myself, and it's time to rebuild that.

I am a little scared of the plaster hardening before I can make a move. But maybe that will just make it feel more like new life hatching out of an egg.

𓇽 ° . ༻ 𓈒 ꒪ ๋ ° .𓏲⠀ ๋࣭ ♡ ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ⋆ ֗ ִ ᨒ .⋆゚. ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ♡ 𓂂 ◌ 𓇽 ° . ๋ 𓂂 ⠀✼ 𓇽