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My exams are coming up the next few weeks and I have not been the best student this semester. I think it is objectively my worst semester to date, and it makes me feel guilty. In general, I really struggle with focus and motivation the past few months. I dropped a lot of selfcare stuff, I exercise much less, I have trouble with cooking good meals for myself, I don't manage taking my supplements and meds consistently when I never had that before. I put off restocking important stuff until last minute or drag it on for weeks after it ran out. Some stuff I've come to own over the past two years now feels oppressive to me and too much, but I cannot find the energy to sell or donate it. I have not made it into the forest for my usual long walks since about 5 months.
Right now my head feels very full, my thoughts are racing, and my sensitivity to sounds is very bad. Lots of sounds spike my anxiety and make me wanna run away. There is not much quiet internally either, it doesn't feel like I can gather my thoughts properly because there is so much external and internal noise. It feels like media is clouding my mind a bit; hard to explain, but I feel as if my own brain bombards me with made up online drama and attacks, news, memes, videos, gaming stuff, songs I listened to and that got stuck in my brain, website ideas, worries about how others see me offline and online, plus other things and concerns all the time.
I see a lot of low energy, easy dopamine seeking behavior in my self - checking more websites than usual, bouncing between some feeds, rechecking a Discord server over and over again, buying a lot of fatty and sweet foods, binging on them occasionally. Getting myself through the day with treats, like sweet beverages and fatty foods. Even if they upset my stomach, make me break out in rashes and all that. I'm more susceptible to online window shopping or ordering stuff on a whim, which is very unlike me.
I notice I am a lot more impatient with everything, and I behave a little cynically; I am quicker to anger, and easier to annoy; I am more passive aggressive and sarcastic about things. Others reassure me that it is not noticeable to them and that I am fun to be around, but internally I feel like I would not wanna hang out with myself right now. It feels like no matter how hard I try, there is some unhappiness and stress seeping into everything I do or say, even if it is not outright or obvious to others.
I kinda wish I could just rest and disappear for a month to somewhere quiet, or be in a sensory deprivation tank for a while. It feels like all my nerves are raw. Then there's the guilt for the above things; feeling like I am not a good person because of it. Not to others and not to me. Letting myself down repeatedly by postponing things.
I have lost trust in myself because I have been unreliable to myself with promises that I didn't keep, like telling myself that I will study when I didn't, or do the dishes and then didn't. I am disappointed with how this year has been and it is a bad year for me, even though nothing objectively bad happened; there is not one event to point to that is tragic, there were a lot of good things that happened, but still I feel that way. I just don't feel healthy, and I am not who I want to be, and it's really hard to get back out of that hole.
I feel like I have to rebuild the relationship with myself, and recover from the guilt about my shortcomings the past few months as well as the stressful parts of my job. I have to somehow bring up the energy to exercise more, do my forest walks, and do my other selfcare stuff even when setting a foot outside my bed seems impossible or as if applying this lotion is useless. Energy begets energy, I have experienced this a lot throughout my life; the more I exercised and the more I walked, the more energy I had in general and especially for that. The more I socialized, the more energy I developed for socializing. The more I made the effort to cook properly, the easier it became. But once I get out of this cycle, it seems like a monumental task to get back in there again. I feel perpetually exhausted right now, and as a person who usually cries once a year or less, I am currently crying every few days (but maybe that is also a win, because I have struggled with being unable to cry when I wanted to for over a decade now).
So for the next few weeks, to recover a bit and study for the exams, I won't work on my websites, won't be active on the forum, block some sites I check, and generally reduce my internet time. I'll mostly do offline stuff away from the PC or use it to study. I will also take a little music break to clear my head and palate and to not get sick of songs and artists so quickly all the time. Hopefully that little media break will do the trick and also afford me more focus and time to study.
𓇽 ° . ༻ 𓈒 ꒪ ๋ ° .𓏲⠀ ๋࣭ ♡ ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ⋆ ֗ ִ ᨒ .⋆ﾟ. ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ♡ 𓂂 ◌ 𓇽 ° . ๋ 𓂂 ⠀✼ 𓇽