⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆


I've recently struggled a lot with being very indecisive and not knowing what I want, at best just knowing what I don't want, and that's very new for me.

I am used to knowing exactly what I want, how I want it, and go looking for that thing exactly. I know precisely what I don't want, and the opposite is scratching the itch perfectly. The plan is very focused and driven and doesn't allow for much error or compromise. That makes looking for specific solutions or goods very easy and I know I will definitely be happy with the change. It's bound to be a success. I feel very safe and confident during all of it and it's very easy to commit to the plan fully.

But recently I am lost on how to proceed with things I am unhappy with, and it drives me up the wall. I really don't like not knowing what I want!

For example, I am very unhappy with my bed. I bought it on a whim after my old one broke 2 years ago, and I've been becoming progressively unhappier with it. Things about its design and noise it makes as well as its storage options and size/height are annoying to me now. But in regards to a new bed, I am lost on what I want, especially if the above things could repeat in the new bed. I feel a little bit drawn to having a very low bed, almost directly on the ground, for a variety of reasons - but somehow, I can't (as I usually do) anticipate if I'll really be happy with that long-term. And selling/buying beds is such a hassle and not something you wanna just mess around with for fun. I guess my compromise will be to sell my bed and sleep on the mattress on the floor for a few days to see how I like it.

In general, I am unhappy with some of the furniture and how it's positioned in my apartment, but don't know how to fix any of that - due to size and shape of rooms and furniture as well as the position of outlets, doors and windows, things are already positioned in the most sensible way. I've been thinking and trying out a lot with sketches and measuring things, but nothing is in any way convincing or clicks in a way that makes me go "YES that's it!". I almost want to sell everything and start anew, but that would be insane and not as helpful as it may seem in a bout of extreme frustration about it. I also cannot have less furniture than I already have.

I am also unhappy with some parts of my wardrobe and how I dress, but I'm unsure of the new style I think I want to try out. Internally, it's not this slamdunk of a good choice as usual when I pivot in style; instead I am questioning if I would even wear it, if it fits me visually and for my use case, and if it is even worth getting into longterm or just a phase. I don't want to make or buy clothes I will only wear a few months. I somehow can't commit to trying it out and potentially dealing with a loss of money or waste of time/resources, so I keep putting it off, making the problem worse. Past changes have always been such an immediate yes I was drawn to, with very clear ideas about the clothes and feeling very sure in my choice.

There's also my attempt at reworking my desk setup since a few months, and nothing seems good there either. There is always an annoying catch. Right now, I have two laptops with one external screen each, and I would love to consolidate it into one place with two external monitors where I'll either manually switch the input between the two laptops by switching cables, or invest in a KVM switch (even if expensive).

One laptop (work) has a horizontal docking station that offers a lot of hubs, but that takes away a lot of desk space; getting a vertical one for it that is compatible is really hard. My other laptop (private use) has no docking station, and I've looked into vertical ones that would fit, but sadly there are basically only USB-C docks and my laptop's USB-C port only allows charging and file transfer, no video transfer. So I cannot hook up a USB-C dock that would enable more DisplayPort or HDMI options. The laptop only has one single HDMI port and nothing else, so my dream of leaving it closed in a vertical stand while hooked up to two external screens is over.

My compromise would be investing in an ultrawide, but ugh! I've never had one before, I don't know if I like the curvature and they're expensive. They're not always supported either, and on Linux it can be hard to assign zoning as easily as on Windows. I am on an Intel/Nvidia machine running KDE with Xorg, so Wayland is out of the question, and i3 may not be able to help.

It also doesn't solve the issue of my dream setup being one horizontal screen and one vertical screen. I just really appreciate vertical for messaging and coding. All of it is a huge pain to try out, organize, buy, set up and I don't want to deal with bullshit like receiving a broken screen, or realizing I don't like it, or finding out it is barely usable with my software and endeavourOS as well as my laptop. There's all these cables and hubs and compatibility to consider, ugh. It would be so much easier if my laptop had one more video port.

I am also indecisive about my new website redesign and I make almost no progress on it, and indecisive about if I should switch away from Neocities and where I should go to.

I know some of it is the grief and resulting brain fog, focus issues and less trust in myself and the world, but some of this has been brewing for months. What really added to it was when some decisions I thought were a clear success were a complete loss and made me feel like an idiot for wasting money or time recently, or at least making my life harder in some ways. I think these plus the recent mourning just make me really averse to having some negative learning experiences, some failures while trying stuff out. I want and need some successes now, some ways out of the discomfort. I want to feel confident in my choices again, and content with my environment. I wanna come up with some great solution and feel happy about having solved a problem.

But there is just a lot of overwhelming information, no clarity, a lot of choices, a lot of compromise and no obvious alternative or solution, and often times not even a clear opinion I have. Just vague discomfort and feeling locked in by outside circumstances like an apartment layout, the furniture I committed to, or the limits of my laptop.

𓇽 ° . ༻ 𓈒 ꒪ ๋ ° .𓏲⠀ ๋࣭ ♡ ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ⋆ ֗ ִ ᨒ .⋆゚. ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ♡ 𓂂 ◌ 𓇽 ° . ๋ 𓂂 ⠀✼ 𓇽