⋆。゚☁︎。⋆。 ゚☾ ゚。⋆

craving change

I recently feel in need of a substantial daily routine change. The type of change that isn’t just “I wanna read more books” or “I wanna do more for my hobby” or "I will move my workout to the mornings now". The type of change that is more fundamental, when nothing is solid; you are free, you are improvising, you are making it up as you go. Basically, I miss the shift in energy and daily life when something unexpected happens to you that shakes your life up completely. A big move, being kicked out, all your possessions being destroyed, a breakup, a close death, being fired - something like that. Obviously, I want none of that happening to me! But I miss what happens after such things.

A clean slate. Reinventing yourself and your routine. Being forced to discover something new about the world and yourself. Rebuilding on different ground. Being forced out of your comfort zone and being pushed to do things differently.

It’s hard, if not impossible, to recreate that for yourself with none of these tragic things going on, because nothing forces you to start and commit. Even if you manage that, it still means you can carefully plan things and prepare, and end that little experiment whenever you want. That takes some of the energy and momentum out of it. The appeal is that things are out of your hands and you have to be active and give in to what your life is now and make it work. Where is the excitement and intense growth when you are in full control of a made-up disaster that isn’t really happening?

The way things are going in my life are good and efficient, structured sensibly with what my current obligations are. So that makes it hard to switch stuff up! A lot of what I do is because of where I live, where I work, my type of work, my home office days, my commute, my dog, his feeding times, walks and medication times, the schedule of my partner and so on. Even if just one of these things would blow up, that means an intense shift for me, a radical change. I don’t want it to blow up. But there is no room to change things up radically that makes sense and is worth it.

I’m sitting with that feeling and observing. The time for tragedy undoubtedly comes at some point, if we want to or not.

EDIT: It seems like maybe my subconscious was working this out for quite a while and this bubbled up into my conscious thought just in time. Today something happened that made me realize I really want to, and need to, quit my job and work elsewhere. I think maybe I pushed it down a lot and didn't want it to be true because it's, well, uncomfortable, scary, and stressful to start anew. But I really need it, I think. I need a new environment and different coworkers and some different tasks. I published this today after writing it in the evening yesterday, and over the course of the day, the thing that happened really made it super obvious to me. It was like a switch had been flipped. I feel unemotional and deadset about it. I think it's going to be tough, but ultimately good for me. It throws off the timeline I made for the next few years, and I thought I had some more time left to get some certifications in my freetime before applying elsewhere, but this is now not the case. Oh well. Time for adventure.

𓇽 ° . ༻ 𓈒 ꒪ ๋ ° .𓏲⠀ ๋࣭ ♡ ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ⋆ ֗ ִ ᨒ .⋆゚. ͘ ࣭⠀⸰ ♡ 𓂂 ◌ 𓇽 ° . ๋ 𓂂 ⠀✼ 𓇽